If you're a regular reader of this site, you're well-acquainted with our (non)coverage of Bradley Cooper's dating life because it's mildly interesting, and hey, not everything needs to be of great interest at all times, right? I mean, just ask Chris Pratt. He's made a career out of being mildly interesting, mildly Republican, and overall, generally mild. Sometimes it's what you need! (Although one could argue one never needs Chris Pratt in anything....)

Today, to add to that pile of useless information in your head about Bradley Cooper's dating life that pushes the more useful information out of your head, like your mom's birthday, I have an update on everything. Are you sitting down? No? You should be, I find it easier to read things when I'm sitting down.

Anyway, Bradley Cooper's ex, Irina Shayk, who he shares a child with recently spoke to British Vogue about their relationship. Per People:

"I think in all good relationships you bring your best and your worst - it's just the nature of a human being," she told the outlet of Cooper, with whom she shares 2-year-old daughter Lea De Seine. "Two great people don't have to make a good couple."

"I think we've been very lucky to experience what we had with each other," the Russian beauty continued. "Life without B is new ground."

It's a diplomatic statement about a private matter, and I'm sure someone will spin it out of proportion and make this statement into something it's not. Clearly, she's not saying they were a terrible couple and she hates his guts, she's merely saying they're good people separately and no longer great together. There's always one person who takes it and runs with it.

...I mean, obviously that person is me today. That's why we're all here, right?!

So, I've already explained what she wants you to think she meant, but what did she really mean, here?

Look, my research into Bradley Cooper is a mile long and an inch deep ... but it's only an inch deep because of the mole people. You know, the mole people, the subterranean race of humanoids that live in the below world, but long to rule topside. Anyway, they won't let me go further than that, which leads me to believe this is all the mole people's doing.

Now, I'm not saying Shayk is a mole person, but if you were to pick up an insinuation that somehow her quote is tied to the mole people and their long-game to take over the topside world that also somehow involved Bradley Cooper, well, I see the Illuminati hasn't gotten to you yet. Good.

Just what is the conspiracy, though? Well, maybe, just maybe let's say a subterranean humanoid species wants to take over the topside world, what's the easiest way to do that? If you said "keep people distracted with tales of Bradley Cooper's personal life" well, that wasn't what I was initially going to say (my response involved ghosts, crystals, The Crystals, and a dude named Bryan G.) but I think your answer is better and let's go with that--so really, it's the mole people's fault that Cooper and Shayk weren't a great couple, because it's their conspiracy that's keeping this all in the spotlight. Make sense? No, not to me either. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Am I putting this allegation out there because I believe it in my heart to be the truth? That's for you to decide, friends. Make no mistake, though. The mole people are coming--what will you do when they arrive?