You won’t believe this. I can’t believe this. Nobody should believe this.

But — ugh — believe this.

A nationwide casting call has gone out for — you ready to believe this? — a feature film — if you can believe this — a starring role in “The Bernie Movie.”

Bernie who? Celebrity Bernie Taupin? No. Former Formula One CEO Bernie Ecclestone? No. The name Bernard is West German. A few cardinals had it. But it’s not about them.

Say the producers: “We are seeking an actor who does a killer version of Bernie Sanders. Must be able to capture his voice and general mannerisms.” Seems they don’t care that Hillary says, “Nobody likes him.” They say they “require the actor to be age 50 [they’re joking, right?] or older. And do not submit look-alikes who can’t do his voice.”

So who resembles him? Maybe dig up Martin Van Buren and glue Marty’s muttonchop sideburns onto whomever portrays Sanders. Or, worst case, go with Larry David.

Anyhow, they’re paying socialism wages: $335 per diem plus they throw in meals.

Rotten Tomatoes could give this four ughs.

Fun night on the town

Friday is McKittrick Hotel’s first burlesque/in-your-face/up-your-whatever/late night/take it off/take part of it off/triple-x sextravaganza. Head mistress, after years Doing It at the Copacabana, is world-famous all-night party thrower Susanne Bartsch, who knew Andy Warhol those days, RuPaul these days, Michael Alig’s jailed days, Amanda Lepore’s yesterdays.

Susanne: “I find people. A street person looks great, I bring him in. A great guy in drag — who took off his dress, got naked, put a bowl on his head and did a sponge bath with milk — I found in Bushwick. It’s eclectic cabaret art. Madcap. Intimate room. Glandular. Freedom to do whatever you want. These people come into my life … but, then, I, too, am an oddity.

“We’re very spirited. Express yourself. Don’t like it then you’re not cool enough for us. My first party was 1986. I like people who are out of the box — black, white, they’re artists, not afraid to experiment. Fear doesn’t ruin my life. Come, forget your troubles. If you’re a pain in the ass, we don’t want you.

“We open 11 o’clock. Unplanned. Not directed. Not Broadway. It’s come and go as you wish. You can’t do anything wrong.”

And daylight when her world is over, what’s she do? “I go onto my own Chinese opium bed and watch old movies.”

Room to learn

Marymount’s Catholic private school, 84th and Fifth, is getting an addition on 97th between Park and Lex. Obviously, books cost a lot these days because they’re fund-raising. Looking to raise $100 mil. The existing property will house the lower grades. The annex will be its higher institute of learning and specialize in science, math, leadership, fitness, plus, they say, “girl empowerment.” They just broke ground and expect it to be ready in five years.

Odds & ends

Attention: All Oscar-nominated short films, diverse categories, eight with women directors, are now viewable at the IFC Center … Come November, the Danbury Mint is hustling a hand-painted, limited- edition Derek Jeter Hall of Fame Sculpture. $139. Plus tax and shipping.

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An East Side doctor about Democratic impeachment manager BullSchiff: “He’s a speaker, an authoritarian, a raconteur and a male model for Preparation K. That’s for people who are too far gone for Preparation H.”

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.