Friends, we're going to take a moment and stop speculating on who Bradley Cooper is dating (last rumored was Angelina Jolie, but that was last week, so watch this space) to instead focus on something else that the Coop probably wants other than that sweet, sweet lovin'.

Mainly, an Oscar.

Love him, hate him, or believe he's actually an ancient warlock come to earth to spread destruction and decay, it cannot be denied that it's very clear Cooper wants the candy. By candy, I obviously mean an Academy Award for something. Anything, because he's a Hollywood star and candy is considered a carb and we all know he doesn't eat carbs. No, friends, he's Leo, before Leo realized he needed to stop dying in shipwrecks and fight a damn bear to finally get recognized. He's that level of thirsty for the candy.

I'm sure Coop thought that A Star Is Born was his ticket into the illustrious, exclusive circle with members such as Roberto Benigni, Three Six Mafia, and yes, Baby Billy himself, Walton Goggins (look it up.) Alas, it was not to be. Lady Gaga got her hardware but Cooper went home that night empty-handed. Except for maybe a gift bag and possibly a hug from Meryl Streep.

Now, this is usually the point in the post where I will let you know that clearly this is a conspiracy cooked up by the mole people to keep Cooper from his dreams, because he's working toward keeping them from theirs (coming topside and dominating our above-ground world. Obviously.) Make no mistake that is most definitely what is happening here, but also, sometimes you gotta take a night off from banging the drum on the imminent threat mole people pose, too, ya know?

But look, over to the horizon, who is it but Joaquin Phoenix and his movie Joker, which is most definitely not a 2+ hour movie adaptation of the classic Steve Miller Band song, "The Joker."

As a result of this lack of Steve Miller Band-association with this movie, my interest in it is less than anything resembling a flying f*ck to give about it, so you'll understand if I haven't been following its press tour closely.

You know who is, though?

Bradley Cooper.

Want to know why? He's a producer on the film, which just won a statue of a Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival, where they also gave convicted child rapist Roman Polanski an award, too, so, uh, there's that. After you're done being bummed out that child rapists are still getting kudos, the other point is that this movie is winning some awards. Granted, by organizations that are also awarding convicted child rapists, so their judgment is clearly questionable.

This poses the question, though: Will Joaquin Phoenix give Bradley Cooper what Lady Gaga could not?

No, not a matching friendship bracelet that they can exchange and think of their friendship and the times they've had when he looks at it, silly. An Oscar! An Academy Award for something. Anything! He's not picky at this point!

I mean, if you listen to people's baseless speculation, 6-months out from the awards, Phoenix just might, and as a result, Cooper as a producer, might, if the film wins best picture. (Good luck with that, in the same year Angel Has Fallen is released.)

You know what else Phoenix can give him?

Insider knowledge on what it was like to film the 1986 classic film Space Camp.

Personally, I'd rather have that because that gold statue that is not filled with something edible like ranch dressing or gummy bears, but I guess Cooper makes the choices he makes, and I make the ones I do.

Life is a rich tapestry, isn't it?