I’m going to be honest here and say that I’m obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow, and I know her business hawks products that tell you to steam your vagina, and her holiday wishlist is filled with products over $1,000, but honestly, she feels like a character from a movie in her actual life, and it is fascinating. So now, with that disclaimer out of the way, can we please talk about this interview she did with Jimmy Kimmel?

First of all, she starts talking about her marriage with Brad Falchuk (I want to call it weird, but it works for them, so I cannot) where they moved in with each other a month ago, after 10 months of marriage. Second, she now has admitted to never seeing Spider-Man: Homecoming—a movie that she did not know she was in—and it just gets better and better from there.

Please enjoy before we continue, because you just have to experience this madness.

Okay, so when Jimmy Kimmel brings out “The Martini” bath soak, I had to literally stop watching because I was laughing so hard. Goop, in all her glory, explains the name of this bath soak as if we all have been on a movie set and know that the last shot of the day is called the Martini shot and that we, then, would relate to the bath soak more. Gotta love Goop, right?

Then Paltrow went on to talk about her line of vibrators. Should I go on? It’s called “Smile Makers,” and the line that Kimmel wanted to talk about is called the Tennis Coach. I don’t know how, but I’m fascinated by it. He opened the vibrator on national television because he wanted to know why Paltrow liked this one, but we never really heard why. We just saw a blurred out image and then the two moved on to the camel milk that she promoted on her wishlist for the holidays.

Basically, what I have learned is that I should look at this holiday list and pretend that I can afford anything on it, and then I will finally understand the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Finally, I will know what it feels like to roll around in piles of money while someone fans with me a giant leaf.

To be honest, it is a wildly interesting transition for Gwyneth Paltrow to go from her career in acting to heading her own company with Goop, but then again, maybe part of the reason that Goop is such a success is our fascination with her products and the gleeful lack of self-awareness that she possesses.

Anyway, apparently all she wants to do is make some pasta with a chef on Jimmy Kimmel, so can we really blame her for selling a cropped sweater for over $1,000 dollars on her website? (We totally can, but it just adds to my obsession with Gwyneth Paltrow and the strange things she promotes.)

(image: Marvel Entertainment)

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