Hello, I’m an editor for The New York Times.

You may be wondering how The Times makes some of its, what the liberals would call, “questionable” editing decisions. But I can assure you, here at The Times we are VERY liberal. Most of our mothers and fathers are conservative, and, after allowing them to pay our six-figure college tuition, we’ve decided to rebel against them. It doesn’t matter that we accidentally-maybe-on-purpose put a swastika design in our crossword puzzle on the first day of Hanukkah. We at The Times are COMMITTED to upholding neoliberal values. That’s why we are DEDICATED to “both sides” journalism. While far right rags write articles according to their biases alone, we at The Times prefer to tackle the issue from ALL SIDES before we commit to settling down into our preconceived notions of that issue. Because that is the GOLD STANDARD of journalism.

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