Judy Gold. So what’s an Emmy-winning stand-up comedian do when there are no joints open to stand up in?

“Whothehell knows what to do about anything? I’ve written a book. I teach solo performance, stuff like performing arts with Primary Stages. This Zoom thing — going from the kitchen table to a desk — is awful. And I’m not good with even opening a sardine can. Today’s big-time activity is to have a tuna sandwich and go for the mail.

“I did a show for Israel while in lockdown. Sitting in living rooms, nobody laughed. Everyone’s muted. Awful. Just focusing on one woman? You lunge forward, sideways, then sit back and onto the next show.

“On a Drew Barrymore thing my light fell down. I sat at my kitchen table, but first had to clean the place so I didn’t look like a slob. And I shoved books around so they know I’m at least able to read.

“It’s thanks for the Jews, who use comedy as a major source. They’re always fund-raising for something, and comedy’s their go-to for every function. Thankfully, they also send me a check. It’s less, but at least you don’t have to travel.

“I’m doing some Internet. Like virtual comedy clubs. Also, the idea of working drive-ins? Starring in a diner in Queens is not really my thing. Front and center standing on a flatbed truck? And the audience laughs by flashing their car lights? I don’t think so.

“Every night around 8 I get this burst of energy. I don’t know what to do so I call my cousin Glenn. He’s 5-foot-2. I’m 6-foot-2.” It’s the best I can come up with.”

Once never enough now

Hollywood’s busy going backward. Returning, now as a series is “American Gigolo.” Newly set in the present day, it revisits the characters 18 years later. Remember that film? Made a star of Richard Gere, and in it everyone’s glorious bones pirouetted around wearing Armani. I mean, just like we all are today — stuck home in pajamas and semi-laundered T-shirts. Modern version stars Gretchen Mol and Jon Bernthal.

Also: Comes now “Dial M for Murder,” which has been lifted up and out more often than Beverly Hills faces. Done 1954, director Alfred Hitchcock, names were Grace Kelly, Ray Milland, Robert Cummings. Earning $6 mil, it was about a rich wife having an affair who got murdered because the husband wanted her money. The modern incarnation’s a TV thing. Producer and star, Alicia Vikander.

Tribe for Dems

Arizona’s Native Americans went for Biden. Per Navajo Nation’s tribal emissaries: “COVID came into our communities and devastated our people.” So Donald got the cowboys, not the Indians.

Who knows if anybody blew too much on the election, but VIPs are selling. Check Phillips auction house on Dec. 12. Sylvester Stallone, who does not have rocky finances — and maybe Sly’s just being sly — but he’s unloading a Panerai watch he wore in “Daylight.” Estimate: $40K to $80K. Also a Richard Mille translucent skeletonized tourbillon — whatever timepiece that is — for around $600K. Also one with a gold skull — and nobody can have too many of those, right? The thing could get $350K to $750K.

Long live NYC

Seinfeld’s August op-ed, saying NY’s not dead is getting a new life. Building developer. Upper East Side. Putting up a high-rise. While constructing it, the thing will be wrapped in Jerry’s words. Ten stories tall around the structure. Developer asked Jerry. He said, “Yeah.” So yadda yadda yadda.

Bottoms up

Netflix is baring a big-time behind. “Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom” stars Viola Davis. Bisexual Rainey was ahead of her time. Also last film for Chadwick Boseman. Denzel Washington produced. Coming Dec. 18. August Wilson’s stage version won 1985’s best American play award from the New York Drama Critics’ Circle.

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Star gazing

This 7-year-old lives in Frances McDormand’s same NYC building. He and his grandparent were in the elevator. McDormand pushed the penthouse button. He tells her: “That’s where the movie star lives.”

Two-time Oscar winner says to this kid: “I consider myself an actor, not a movie star.”

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.