Friends, Meghan Markle (and her husband) have a child that is already one-year-old today! I know this because Twitter is all a twitter over this fact. Here, see for yourself:

Archie talks! ❤

He said, "Can you get it?" After he dropped the book. pic.twitter.com/p0JdvgnWzv

— Kat Sing 🌸🌴🌸 (@kat_sing) May 6, 2020

That child is talking, man! Like, full sentences. How did this happen?!

No, seriously, I'm asking you parents out there, how does this happen, because I have no real grasp of how children develop, being too far removed and having too spotty a memory of it myself. See, I always grossly overestimate or underestimate kids' development. In my mind, if you can string sentences together, you can obviously stop wearing a diaper and maybe go get a job because if you can talk, you can work, right?

Only I am at least grounded enough to know that 1-year old children can't work (yet, although they can get on the child beauty pageant circuit, so better start working on your sparkle hands, Archie). So what comes next in his development is a mystery. Does he start talking to his parents about taxes? Learn a kicky new dance? Hell, can he ever walk yet? He's talking, but that doesn't mean he can walk, which is weird, right? This child may literally not be able to walk and talk (let alone chew gum at the same time), which means I'm still (on some level) winning over a baby. Go me! Finally got a win, ma! Look at me now!

Sorry, I digress. Back to asking unanswerable questions about a baby I will probably never meet.

Is he eating real food yet? Does he have a favorite Nic Cag movie? Does he have a concept of time? Can he communicate to his parents all the ghosts he sees, because I may not know a lot about children, but I do know they see ghosts and remember their past lives. Hell, has anyone asked Archie about his past lives?! So many questions!

Children are a mystery, which is probably good, because I feel like a one-year-old should know how to make my favorite cocktail by now, and be OK with me putting them in an adorable waiter's outfit while they make said cocktail. I'm also kinda sorta responsible enough to know that's most definitely not a great use of a child's development and may be illegal in some places, so it's probably for the best that I don't have any kids right now. Oh my god, do I have kids?! Did I misplace them somewhere? I don't know!

Sorry, I have to go check under the couch cushions to be sure. I'll see you later. Bye.