Justice these days is served through the Internet. Now NYC’s court system — hear this — does its hear ye, hear ye’s via Zoom. Shove cramming for the bar. Modern principle of law is getting decided on the same keyboard that orders Hizzoner’s takeout. During one contentious legal conference, the judge turned and barked to someone off-camera: “The toaster is smoking? Ask your brother to help.”

Actors even audition from home. Closets become recording studios. Michael Canetty, known for “Criminal Minds:” “Trying for a music-video job, I had to shoot my test footage myself plus keep dancing wildly, which for some reason I was told to do, plus filming it all in my own backyard to some song called ‘Champagne Night’ plus having no clue what the thing’s for.”

He eventually learned it was for Lady Antebellum.

Shove backyards. Gerard Lordahl’s GrowNYC Open Space Greening Program says we would/should/could raise veggies on our terraces. Like multiple Village shut-ins all have high wraparound outdoor space to share with radishes on clotheslines of damp boxers.
Six- to 12-inch pots, moist soil, six hours sunlight required. Great idea. Soak your drawers and risk a layer of kale hanging off of them. Sweet peas stuck up your clothespin I wouldn’t even mention. Of course, Swiss chard stuffing your bra is a possibility.

Exiting multimillion-buck apartments with radishes dragging from Park Avenue behinds? Parsley in the navel? Basil scratching their shorts? They also say you could raise cityside chickens for eggs. Problem is, roosters clash with Raphael.

Doing their best to help

Everyone’s trying. Believing nearness is beneficial, Michael Bruno closed his Valley Rock Inn in Sloatsburg, NY, opened a Tastemakers Guide plus an e-commerce grocery with pickup or delivery and is supporting upstate … Anna Wintour and Tom Ford sewed together “A Common Thread” videos about behind-the-seams patternmakers, cutters, tailors, embroiderers who need help. Wintour’s doctor son, ill, is self-quarantining away from his wife and two small daughters.

Estée Lauder’s Melville, LI, campus created a million bottles of hand sanitizer for NYC medical workers … Good News Planet’s Paul Sladkus doing a 30-minute “Good News Broadcast” on Facebook … and the New York Public Library’s doing the auditory love letter “Missing Sounds of New York.” Clanking turnstiles, screeching brakes, subways swooshing, a street parade, honking horns, clinking glasses, even the click-click of a cab’s turn signal. Bitching is optional.

“Dateline” vet Chris Hansen is serving meals … and thanks to my colleague Michael Goodwin for helping nursing homes. A May 1 letter from State Veterans Home in Stony Brook: “We had 59 residents pass away from CV plus 136 employees testing positive.”

Driving sales

Social distancing is even reviving drive-ins. A rejuiced “Valley Girl” got revved up in parking lots. Josh Whitehouse replaces Nicolas Cage. Also in it now is Alicia Silverstone. Listen, with rumble seats, even homely people loved drive-ins … Another point from a friend.

“Hydroxychloroquine’s widely administered in this pandemic. Years ago that saved my life — but its side effects nearly killed me. With CV, my druggist says he now can’t keep it in stock.”

Gone too soon

Brian Dennehy, Siegfried & Roy’s Roy Horn, Max von Sydow, James Lipton. So many friends gone so quickly. Jerry Stiller, I loved. A gentleman with delicious humor. One Thanksgiving, he told me: “Worst ever. We ate shrimp lo mein.” One Christmas: “Last year my secretary died. This year my new secretary quit.”

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Only that my only in New York, kids, only in New York is not the same.