Never washing your tights.

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1. Your skin gets all scaly and dry as soon as the cold weather sets in.

2. If you rub your skin, dust rises from it in little clouds.

3. So you plaster yourself in moisturiser, and then your body is kind of greasy and clammy.

4. Your lips go all dry and flakey.

5. You have to apply lip balm every 30 minutes.

6. Your lips seem to become even drier when you’re having a conversation with someone important, so you have to choose between awkwardly putting your lip balm on mid-conversation, or risking your lips cracking.

7. You pick dry bits off your lips.

8. Which sometimes goes too far, then your lips bleed.

9. Your lipstick sticks to the dry patches and goes into blobs.

10. So you slather on the lip balm again for that permanent greasy mouth look which is your style in winter.

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11. Your tights refuse to stay up by your crotch, and instead gravitate towards mid-thigh.

12. You find yourself constantly pulling your tights up, accidentally flashing your bum every now and then.

13. Or you just let the crotch ride low which for some reason feels both annoying and strangely repellent at the same time.

14. You get a sweaty bum from wearing nylon tights all day.

15. You realise you’ve been wearing the same pair of tights for over two weeks without washing them, and wonder how unhygienic it is.

16. You get thrush.

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17. You discover moths have destroyed ⅓ of your winter jumper collection.

18. You discover moths have destroyed the area around your nipple on your jumper, but it’s too late because you’re at work already and now you have to keep explaining to everyone that moths ate your jumper.

19. Then you feel like everyone thinks you’re infested with moths.

20. You get excited about the cold weather, bundle up in a brand new fluffy jumper, tights, scarf and boots, then sweat like a beast as soon as you enter a building.

21. You realise you’re only wearing an ugly old vest under your jumper so you have two choices: Sweat like a beast some more, or rock the ugly old vest with your stubbly armpits, feeling naked and on display.

22. You decide to just carry on sweating.

23. Your cheeks go bright red and blotchy from how damn hot every building is.

24. You go to the toilet so you can strip off your jumper and cool down for a moment.

25. You discover you have boob sweat even though it’s late autumn and only 10°C outside.

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26. Having learnt from your past mistakes, the next time you go out you wear a thin jumper and jacket.

27. You realise you’re fucking freezing the moment you walk just too far to justify going back to your house to change.

28. Your nipples poke through your jumper like a pair of frozen peas.

29. Your skin turns slightly blue and your lips go greyish as all the blood in your body rushes to your vital organs.

30. You feel a scratchy niggle at the back of your throat, and realise it’s sore when you swallow.

31. The virus has seen it’s chance.

32. You spray cold defense medicine up your nose, and pray the salty trickle running down your throat will work.

33. You sneeze seven times in a row and know it hasn’t.