Trump Didn’t Want to Go to Your Stupid Inauguration Anyway

January 08, 2021

US President Donald Trump speaks during a briefing at the White House September 27, 2020, in Washington, DC. - US President Donald Trump paid just $750 in federal income taxes in 2016, the year he won the election, The New York Times reported September 27, 2020, citing tax return data extending more than 20 years. (Photo by Brendan Smialowski / AFP) (Photo by BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images)

Everyone. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you. That Donald J. Trump will not be at Joe Biden’s Inauguration.

Thoughts and prayers.

Because like a jilted high schooler whose crush didn’t ask them to the big dance, Trump decided to respond to the “nobody asked you” question on whether or not he’d be at the Inauguration. Historically speaking, I guess it’s kinda a big deal since the last time this happened was back in 1869 with Andrew Johnson. Wow, look at that, Trump will at least join, checks notes, the THREE other presidents in history who have skipped out on Inauguration (John Adams and John Quincy Adams being the other two).

That’s a nice wilted corsage for the non-existent prom look Trump would’ve worn had he been going. Sadly, there will be no Fairy Godmother to turn a pumpkin into a carriage big enough for his unwarranted ego, no date to watch him descend down the stairs as Kiss Me plays by Sixpence None the Richer.

Because that’s exactly what his tweet feels like, like someone who sees they didn’t get invited to a party through Facebook and posts, “It’s fine, I didn’t wanna go anyway.” It’s fine. If he actually did go no one would pay him any mind.

Not only did no one ask if he would be there, we all already assumed he wouldn’t be. It’s not like he’s displayed any sort of grace during his entire time in office. What, I’m supposed to think that Mr. STOP THE COUNT was gonna watch someone else get sworn in?

Still, his tweet does give us something to cherish: the responses.

Ah, well this is awkward, Mr. Oswalt, because if that merch is through Shopify, the answer is no.

No inauguration, Facebook, Instagram, OR merch table? Damn.

via GIPHY

(Image: BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images)

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