Sometimes a movie comes along that is so irredeemably terrible, so puzzlingly incoherent, and so absolutely bonkers that you can’t help but stand back in awe. How did this happen? Who even wanted this? Are the makers of this movie extraterrestrials with zero concept of human behavior? These were the questions running through my mind as I watched Netflix’s new erotic thriller Deadly Illusions. Much like their previous effort Fatal Affair (truly the most generic of generic movie titles), Deadly Illusions is Netflix’s latest entry into the schlocky Lifetime movie thriller genre.

It’s a development that makes sense, considering Netflix has already nailed the Lifetime Christmas movie formula (shoutout to the VHCU: the Vanessa Hudgens Cinematic Universe). And judging by the production values of these films, they are cheap and easy to churn out. Deadly Illusions centers on Mary Morrison (Kristin Davis, forever Charlotte from Sex and the City) a successful mystery novelist who gave up writing to be a wife and mother. When her publishers demand another book from her, Mary decides to hire Grace (Greer Grammer, daughter of Kelsey), an innocent young nanny who quickly insinuates herself into the family’s life.

But is Grace really innocent, or does she harbor plans to seduce and destroy Mary and her family? Does Grace harbor ulterior motives, or is this all a projection of Mary’s rich inner fantasy life and her disassociation from reality? There’s shades of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle and Single White Female here, tossed in a blender with every porno about a MILF seducing the nanny.

If you’re looking for answers, spoiler alert: the film has none. But it DOES have some absolutely ridiculous scenes and moments that me laugh out loud. Here are the top five most bonkers things I took away from this movie:

1. This Bookstore Display

The film opens in a bookstore, which is promoting Mary’s novel Dark Places. You would think this would lead to a scene of Mary giving a reading, or some sort of introduction to her character, but it does not. We get the slowest pan of this book station, with the cheapest possible selling placards. “Must read series of the decade!” and “passion, sex, lies, betrayal” are propped up beside her books, along with a tiny photo of Kristin Davis. Who is this for? What purpose does this serve? This is an admittedly tiny moment in the film, but it sets the stage for the insanity to come. You see, the movie you’re about to watch is all about PASSION SEX LIES BETRAYAL. Boom, you just got foreshadowed.

2. The Bra Shopping Scene

I could honestly write a dissertation on this scene alone, and about the myriad of workplace abuses Grace suffers under Mary. In a scene destined to become a camp classic, Mary takes Grace bra shopping, a totally normal outing for a woman and her nanny. Not only is she buying her nanny fancy new bras, but she GET IN THE CHANGING ROOM WITH HER. As if that weren’t enough, Mary then tries to put a front clasp bra on Grace and acts surprised when she sees her breasts. YOU’RE TRYING ON BRAS, what did you think would happen? Nice try K. Davs, we all know how bras work.

When did you realize Deadly Illusions was going to be totally unhinged and why was it when Kristin Davis took her new nanny bra shopping? pic.twitter.com/dFBWl4Wp51

— Netflix (@netflix) March 23, 2021

It’s part of the film’s tonal incoherence that Mary is at once warm and maternal with Grace while also actively trying to seduce her. Or is she? The scene ends with Grace putting Mary’s hand on her boob to remind her what young boobs feel like. Is this what straight people think queer sex is? I have so many questions that can only be answered by a bra shopping trip into insanity with Kristin Davis, I guess.

3. Mary Writing an Entire Novel by Hand

This isn’t a specific scene, but several times in the film we see Mary writing her novel by hand. She writes it on loose sheets of paper, in a notepad, in a journal. Who is collating all these pages? And how does it connect with Mary’s storyboard of notecards and string? Is someone typing these pages later? Is it Grace in a kicky new bra? I would have accepted the classic “modern writer uses a typewriter because they’re authentic” trope, but this writing by hand stuff truly made me scream with laughter.

4. The Complete Absence of Mary’s Kids

Mary hires Grace to a nanny for her two kids, yet there are long stretches of time that Mary and Grace spend together sans kids. “You don’t have to take care of the kids and me” is an actual line of dialogue Mary says to the woman she is paying to take care of her kids and herself. From bra shopping to skinny dipping to bicycle rides to reading romantic poetry by a lake, I kept wondering where those kids were. Who is watching them? I don’t think Mary’s husband (played by Dermot Mulroney) is doing it. Are the kids fending for themselves? Give me a deleted scene where Kristin Davis shouts, “Make yourselves a bowl of cereal, mommy’s going bra shopping with the nanny!”

5. Mary Forcing Grace to Wear Her Wet Swimsuit

Out of all the truly bonkers moments in this movie, this might be the one that broke my brain completely. After making Grace rub sunscreen on her back, Mary gets into the pool and invites Grace to join her. She then takes off her swimsuit and tosses it onto the deck, gesturing for Grace to put it on.

A wet swimsuit. That someone else wore. I cannot stop screaming. If someone wanted me to wear a wet swimsuit straight off of their own body I would call in the National Guard. But wait, it gets worse! They then hang out in the pool house, playing records, drinking whiskey, and dancing in wet swimsuits. This really is a horror movie.

6. The Bathtub Scene

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a top five list, but I can’t just leave this post without mentioning the bathtub handjob scene. I CANNOT. So Mary is taking a bath, when Grace comes in with milk(?) and flower petals to add to the water. She also spoonfeeds Mary something (sugar? milk? ketamine?), one of MANY scenes of Grace spoonfeeding Mary. Then, Mary wakes up and no one is there. Did the handjob happen? Did any of Mary and Grace’s hookups happen? The movie refuses to answer a single question, so good luck viewers!

I mean, there’s so much more to unpack here. Grace’s hairbows, the erotic chili eating scene, the fundraiser for nothing (what charity?! and why is it just a restaurant?! Just make it a dinner with friends you maniacs!). Not to mention Mary’s claims of “becoming a different person” when she writes while remaining exactly the same. And I didn’t even get into the film’s treatment of mental illness, which is real problematic to say the least.

If you love bad movies and enjoy being alternately confused and aroused, then Deadly Illusions is the film for you. This movie has everything: women smoking cigars, Kristin Davis being a creep, and multiple shots of Dermot Mulroney’s bare ass. So grab a drink, grab an edible, and enjoy this hot damn mess!

me looking up “ending explained” after watching #DeadlyIllusions pic.twitter.com/GTt4QiFVUL

— ajani (@ajanibzl) March 20, 2021

(featured image: Netflix)

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The post The Top 5 Most Bonkers Moments in Netflix’s Deadly Illusions first appeared on The Mary Sue.