Christmas queen Mariah Carey revealed the surprisingly sad tale behind her fixation on the holiday.

As she prepared a new Christmas special, and with her classic “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at the top of Billboard’s Holiday 100 chart, she told Elle: “I think it’s just that longing that I had as a child, that I always wanted things to be perfect for the holidays … And they never were. It was always somebody ruining the moment, always these dysfunctional family members who came around and foiled everything.”

Carey said she “made a pact” with herself that “I wasn’t going to allow that to happen anymore.” She said, “After I kind of emerged from my first relationship-slash-marriage, I created the Christmases that I wanted to have.”

Her “Magical Christmas Special” variety show for Apple TV+ will feature Ariana Grande, Snoop Dogg, Billy Eichner, Tiffany Haddish and Carey’s twins, Moroccan and Monroe. American Ballet Theatre star Misty Copeland will perform as the Sugar Plum Fairy from “The Nutcracker.”