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Why You Should Follow Reclusive Comedy Genius John Swartzwelder on Twitter

April 11, 2019

Former Simpsons writer John Swartzwelder does not speak to media often. In the absence of interviews and public appearances, fans must piece him together based on spare anecdotes thrown out by former colleagues, but mostly they rely on Swartzwelder’s body of work. And it’s huge. An early but indicative taste of Swartzwelder’s style comes from George Meyer’s infamous limited-run late ’80s Army Man magazine. In the magazine, Swartzwelder asks, “They can kill the Kennedys — why can’t they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?”

Lacking modern references or recent events, Swartzwelder’s humor involves timeless topics like cartoonish violence and endearing stupidity. “Swartzwelderian” is still used by Simpsons writers and fans to describe bits that carry his fingerprints. Swartzwelder left Army Man in 1989 to write for The Simpsons, along with Meyer and some of magazine’s staff, writing 59 episodes from seasons one to 15 and consulting on hundreds more. (A tip, for those trying to emulate Homer’s voice: “I write for Homer as if he’s a big dog.”)

Swartzwelder’s creative output alone makes him an object of fascination for any comedy nerd, but peculiar tendencies and a highly private nature elevate him to mythical-creature status. (This is how Swartzwelder might respond to a request for comment.) The most common, and perhaps telling, bit of Swartzwelder trivia, as told/confirmed by Simpsons creator Matt Groening in a Simpsons DVD commentary: After smoking was no longer allowed in the writer’s room, Swartzwelder started writing from a coffee shop, returning to the office to deliver completed scripts. After smoking in restaurants was banned in California, Swartzwelder bought his favorite booth from the coffee shop and installed it in his house.

For a man that leaves nary a trace, his Twitter account, with less than 8,000 followers, is a largely overlooked source of information, if not enjoyable content. The A.V. Club noted in 2016 that Swartzwelder uses his Twitter account simply to promote his books. This is not entirely true. He also shares old ad spots from his pre-comedy career in advertising, like this one for a Pontiac, and another for Kitty™ cat food.

The account @JJSwartzwelder, however, has been verified by Simpsons writer and executive producer Al Jean, who said the following:

They are too close in age to have drawn early inspiration from each other, but instead appear to be two twins separated at birth. Both writers are 70 years old and enjoy living outside the public eye. Swartzwelder’s location is somewhere in California, and Jack Handey lives in Santa Fe. Unlike Swartzwelder, Handey has done interviews like Esquire, the New York Times, and Vice, and he regularly contributes to the New Yorker. (A fun bit of knowledge from the 2013 Times interview: Handey’s license plate is DPTHOTS.)

If Jack Handey is a comedy writing legend, Swartzwelder is a comedy writing Bigfoot. There are few sightings, unconfirmed audio recordings, and as followers of Bigfoot can relate, some concerning anecdotes.

Luckily, there’s nothing the writer has done — that we know of — that warrants the “the art vs. artist” conversation. But he could also be an accomplished serial killer. There’s no way to know for sure. The more you read about the man, the more difficult it is to understand where Swartzwelder stops and his characters begin. As Swartzwelder was never implicated in the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, we are probably safe to laugh when he joked about it.

Simpsons writer David X. Cohen, in a DVD commentary (according to Wikipedia and several Simpsons forums), said Swartzwelder was an anti-environmentalist who once went on a long rant about there being too much rainforest. He’s also tweeted jokes about pollution being good for the environment. (Rumors circulated that Swartzwelder inspired the Libertarian character Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, but they were put to rest by Mike Schur: “Plus, isn’t Swartzwelder like a Whig or something?”) Knowing this information, a silly joke might take root in actual scorn for public officials and bureaucracy, and makes the recurring themes of “thought police” and “Big Brother” more interesting.

He’s a complex figure: Despite being a noted gun-rights advocate, he’s also credited with penning a ripping Simpsons episode (“Homer the Vigilante”) about our country’s obsession with guns. Conan O’Brien, a colleague of Swartzwelder for a time, once described him as looking like “someone who would arrest an anarchist for throwing a bomb at Archduke Ferdinand’s carriage.” For a time, he collected wanted posters, and he also purchased one of Hitler’s paintings, as Simpsons writers told Vanity Fair in 2007.

This is someone who used to rent out a professional baseball field once a year to play a game with friends, as Al Jean told Fox Sports. Perhaps it’s true then, as it says in Swartzwelder’s Twitter bio, that is he’s a “home run hitter (Safeco Field, Cheney Stadium.)” What appears to be a bit is much closer to reality — possibly even true.

While we scrounge Twitter waiting for the latest writing prompt (in between warnings of fascism, requesting crowdsourced medical support, and writing the occasional article), Swartzwelder has been quietly providing excerpts of his work to a modestly sized audience. His feed is an under-viewed resource for absurdist humor from one of comedy’s greatest writers. It’s like a free sample guy at Costco, tucked away into a corner unbothered, while the rest of the store has been picked bare and/or is on fire.

When you need a break from considering the complexities of this man, wondering if it’s fair — or even possible — to paint a detailed picture of a person pieced together from secondhand stories and short glimpses told by his colleagues, look at his tweets. They’re good.

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