Viraldice: My Theory on Why Nice Girls Can Actually Win ‘The Bachelor’

t's been a long march of crazy criers and whispering witches on The Bachelor this past month, but Paris finally showed some love to the normies. Arie proved that he doesn't have his head lodged entirely up his own bum when he unceremoniously axed Krystal and showed some love to the shy, sweet, and smart trio of Lauren, Kendall, and Jacqueline.

Here's how the nice girls started winning the game this week. At last.

Kendall wants Krystal to be nice.

In fact, the theme of this week’s Bachelor was all about naughty versus nice, with naughty holding the lead up until now. And by naughty, I actually mean psycho. And by psycho, of course I mean Krystal.

Love was in the air in Paris.

But like the upside down version of their stateside romances, some of the early frontrunners found themselves benched when Arie chose his one on one and two on one dates.

To everyone's surprise, Lauren got the one on one date.

But to no one’s surprise, the date went terribly. This was mostly due to Arie demanding that Lauren “open up” while he asked her zero questions about herself, instead focusing on random statues and their “cool! amazing! awesome!” Parisian thingamabobs.

To Lauren’s credit, she refrained from actually puking on the date. And she made eye contact at least one time during that close-talker situation on the bench. Huzzah to her!

Lauren even held eye contact later on at dinner when Arie confessed he had gotten an ex girlfriend PREGNANT.

Arie’s revelation that his ex had become pregnant, lost the child, then immediately left him afterwards seemed like an out of the blue confession. But its intention was more likely to prod/scare Lauren into sharing some deep secret of her own. So she did.

Guys, here’s what the secret was: She’s scared of relationships because she was been engaged before. Cue the horror movie music! Okay, maybe just cue the same shitty Muzak that’s been playing during this entire date. Because I need to get to bed early and this is helping…

A little life was injected into the episode when Arie took his group date to the Moulin Rouge.

Highlights included: Tia busting into the Robot when she forgot the choreography, an enormous red diaper on Becca’s head, and Bekah wearing a bedazzled thong.

Based on these factors, guess who got the rose? Bekah! (Missing persons are people too!) Arie dressed up in a blue cape and scared the bejeezus out of all of us as he lip synched to a pre-recorded speech about love. Somebody hold me.